Game of Thrones: S7, Ep 5

How to Catch a Zombie

Kris Vieira: After the thrilling Battle of Dragon Kickassery (I will NOT call it the Loot Train Battle, how absurd), I predicted a table-setting episode here. While it was exactly that, there were also a few major surprises this week. Before we get to those, can we talk about how dumb this truce plan is? A of all, Jon Snow, you have been talking about nothing except how dangerous these white walkers are, and now you’re going to go capture one and carry it all the way to Kings Landing? B of all, do you really need to be there for this expedition, even though you’re the King of the North and have now abandoned Winterfell AND the dragonglass mine? YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW! I think I was supposed to believe that they carted over all that dragonglass to The Wall on that canoe they were riding in, but I don’t buy it! Also, I get we are trying to speed things along, but how are you at The Wall in two seconds and those zombies are STILL WALKING? The timeline is so illogical it’s getting hard to ignore.

Sarah Webster: Ugh...Kris, there are so many issues with this plan. Can you even capture a White Walker? If so, how would you transport it all the way to Kings Landing? On a leash? In a wagon? Aren't they magic? Plus, we've seen Jon kill one. He shattered into a thousand shards of ice. So bringing a corpse back is impossible. “Hey Cersei, see this huge puddle? It actually used to be a White Walker. Just trust us.” And the whights are just the dead resurrected. I suppose they could try to bring one back to Kings Landing, but how do you prove it's not just a sick human or a corpse? And, yes...the timeline is completely ridiculous. Didn't we spend half of the first season watching the Starks make the trip from Winterfell to Kings Landing? I know magic has returned to the world but I didn't realize they could teleport.

Whitney Stockman: I have similar thoughts to you two. If a huge army of whights is marching towards them, how are they going to get one? I don't think Jon nor Jorah considered the logistics to this plan. Did Jon mine much Dragonglass? Have they had time? How long does it actually take to go back and forth from the Wall to Dragonstone? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Margo Lumiere: I also went through the many emotions that come along with listening to this plan. But if I’ve learned anything from this show, it's to keep an open mind and just believe-- we all TinkerBell-ed Jon Snow back to life didn’t we? After the recent theme of the show “just make the dragons do it" I decided if this were the damn sidework my queen ordered me to carry out I’d immediately ask her to borrow one of those dragons for speedy delivery of the walker in a cage of some kind (fire and ice seems to be mentioned quite a lot, I was sure a dragon would be involved). I’m not sure if this is allowed here but I’m going to mention my main TV-series squeeze The Walking Dead; the show features some capturing and weaponizing of walkers: you’ll just need a reliable leash and a blunt object to remove the subject’s arms and bottom jaw et voilà a docile member of the army of the dead. However, this isn’t your garden variety zombie so I wish them luck… especially Ser Jorah because after the loving exchanges between him and Dany, he’s definitely not coming back right?

KV: Omg, thanks for the graduate level zombie info, Margo! Removal of jaw--never thought of that. Ok, so one major shocker this week is we finally get to see what happened to Gendry. The fans get a little treat with Davos’s line “I thought you might still be rowing,” which is the running joke in GoT fandom. I guess I can accept the implausibility of this re-acquaintance….maybe. I did love that he has grown up full stag! A chip off the old Baratheon block. How did you guys feel about his return?

WS: Gendry’s weapon is a giant hammer! I saw the hammer and all the hesitation I felt was gone. Having him as a kick ass swordsman could've been a let down, but the hammer? You do you, Gendry!

SW: I liked bringing him back. It tied up a loose end that's been dangling about for three seasons. Plus, he has a badass hammer. I think his sole purpose will be fashioning weapons with dragon glass. He's a blacksmith and they need special weapons. So bringing him back is both convenient for the writers and satisfying for fans.

KV: The other MAJOR shock was Gilly’s almost-revelation that Rhaegar and Lyanna got married. Now, we’ve all known for a while that Jon was probably the son of those two, but we definitely did not know that it was a legitimate marriage. This is a game changer, because that makes Jon next in line for the Iron Throne. And with Dany acting like a tyrant lately, I’m not sure things are going to end as happily ever after as she thinks they are.

SW: Yes! This is a huge revelation. I'm wondering if we'll get to meet Rhaegar through one of Bran’s visions? I've always wondered whether Lyanna was kidnapped or left willingly. This juicy detail could be the end of Dany staring all doe eyed at Jon. She’s crushing on him so hard right now it's almost annoying. And in true Jon fashion, he knows nothing :).

WS: Poor Gilly! She found the actual answer we've all been waiting for and Sam’s like, yeah whatever. I cannot wait to see how Jon and Dany find out they are related and if this tidbit was just for us or if Sam later remembers what she said.

KV: The Stark girls are butting heads already, and Sansa’s mean girl streak is starting to show. Arya calls Sansa on all of her shit, and as usual, Sansa is a terrible liar. I love that even after everything they have been through, we are reminded of how very different they are. Lord Baelish finally shows us the Littlefinger we have come to know and love and plays Arya like a fiddle (or so it seems anyway). He plants the scroll that Sansa wrote under duress after Ned’s death. Arya is not aware enough of the context to understand that Sansa was not betraying the family: though I wonder if she would even care about the context, when loyalty is everything to her. I am hoping that the Stark girls rise above this pettiness and don’t destroy each other. Littlefinger needs to get his name on Arya’s list.

SW: We waited way too long for the Stark reunion to watch them bicker and be petty. And Littlefinger is so annoying. He used to be one of the most interesting characters on the show. You knew he was up to something, but his intentions could be interpreted a number of ways. He was devious but still helpful to the characters we cared about. Now he's just a full on creeper. I'm over him. Let's get him on Arya's list asap.

WS: These two girls have had a horrible time of it and I wish they'd talk and realize how much they have in common. Like this were an episode of This is Us. But, this is GOT and one may kill the other. I agree—Lord Baelish is out of control, however let's not forget he killed the Arryns to get closer to Sansa. Whatever his plan, he thinks he's about to win. I'm not sure if Baelish or Arya is the sneakiest, it could go either way.

ML: You kidding? This is my favorite Littlefinger, it’s his true self, the brothel owning days Littlefinger. Back then I started referring to him in my head as Little-shyster and, well, never doubt a nickname that originates from your gut instinct. He is exhausting but he keeps the action moving.

KV: At least he's finally DOING something besides creeping around the castle walls! He was always exceedingly clever, and while Arya has learned some sick ninja moves, I am not sure that she's savvy in the way he is....or the way Sansa has become.

The Lannisters threw us some juicy moments as well this week. First off, does Jaime have a death wish? Bronn heavily implies this when he drags him out of the lake. Second, Cersei is knocked up! What? That’s a soap opera twist, but I will take it. These two needed a raison d'être for sure.

SW: I don't buy Cersei’s pregnancy! I think it's a distraction to get Jaime back on her side. She knows he needs something to fight for. Plus, in the opening scene from last season we saw the prophecy that she would only have three children. She's twisted enough to lie about something like that too.

ML: I think the pregnancy is definitely real because pushing this taboo storyline just gets more cringeworthy and more cringeworthy with no signs of letting up. And of course the child will most likely die just as terribly as Cersei’s others. Or end up as some sort of leverage. It won’t end well is all I’m sayin' #thronelife

WS: Jaime could be a good person if he didn't blindly follow Cersei. He keeps fighting for her and trying to believe that she's not insane, but seeing the dragons kind of broke him. I don't think he has a death wish, he doesn't know what to do at this point. If Cersei really is pregnant and does have a child and she's not the subject of the prophecy, who is?

KV: I’m curious about what Cersei was cooking up with Qyburn before Jaime walked in...I hope it’s better than that dumb crossbow. PS--I just want to say, that I am glad the writers didn’t try to pretend that that clumsy wooden contraption was actually going to take down a dragon. Drogon was hurt, but not mortally wounded. I enjoyed seeing Jaime’s recognition that this battle was not getting won. Also loved Bronn’s reaction: “Dragons are where this partnership ends.”

WS: I'm also glad that crossbow thing didn't do much damage to Drogon. At first I was worried. I cannot imagine what kind of useful weapon Cersei and Qyburn are creating. The only thing I can imagine is wild fire, but does it even hurt dragons? Is there any left?

SW: Drogon didn't even seems phased by his wound this episode. I guess Dany pulled the splinter out and he was good as new. I’m with you on Bronn’s line Kris. Yes, dragons are a game changer. Cersei mentioned hiring sell swords to fight for her. Good luck finding any that will take on dragons. Though it'd be a nice twist if she hired the Second Sons, saw the return of Dario and watched them turn on Cersei after taking her gold.

KV: Finally, we have the unlikeliest band of brothers about to go kidnap a zombie. It’s so ridiculous! Seeing them all chatting about their random connections (Jorah and Tormund, Gendry and Dondarrion) was so silly. But whatever, this motley crew is gonna kick some ass next week, I just know it!

SW: I love the group of zombie hunters they've put together. The storyline seems ridiculous but it'll be fun watching how things play out. Especially with Tormund and the Hound in the mix.

WS: I'm particularly interested to see how this band of merry gentlemen plan to catch a whight like dog catchers. Also, none of them have hats on. They need hats!

ML: I wish them luck; an impossible job on many counts.

KV: Anything we didn’t cover?

SW: We didn't really discuss the Tarly flambé, but I don't have much to say about it anyhow :)

KV: Yeah light those guys up. Dickon, I hardly knew ye. I guess Samwell could go back to Horn Hill now though? Anything else?

WS: I'm still recovering from last week!

ML: Well not really anything storyline related but whenever I hear one of Dany’s famous “Ima break these chains and the wheel” speeches I find myself wondering what life would be like today if Bernie Sanders had 3 dragons...

KV: Amen. See you all next week!